To whoever who is recovering from a broken heart.

Today I realized that all the things I've done was a one step recovery from a broken heart.

I am not ashamed to admit that I've been depressed, dealing with rebounds, extremely spending my time on the outside world, neglecting my health, wealth, and everything that coincide, mistakenly fall flat and back up again a few times, shortchanged my decisions and recklessly living on the edge. Some parts, I've neglecting the people who were mostly there for me, my family and my close friends. I have lied, been in denial, saying that I'm over it when I'm not and I have made up stories to some, those who do not know the truth yet, to just mentally make myself feel a lot easier to breathe.

I admit that I'm tired trying to get over it, trying to heal it and trying to see where time goes with it, I'm tired of faltering on the drunken texts or stoned dialings and heck, a lot of embarrassing moments.

But the best part is, a big part of me feels like I do not regret anything or everything I did, do and doing. I admit to my mistakes and ponder on the possibilities and what ifs but truthfully, I think I've made pretty good decisions and said pretty nasty things that needed to be said and not sugarcoated anyways. So I am truly happy. Inside, although sometimes I wonder about the endless heartbreak I feel, I know my day and me as a person, is enough. I love myself.

Learning to love myself and what I do makes me appreciate life and people even more. Concerning to the epic break up of my life, I am not even That mad at my ex anymore. Might be said too early, I know, but I learn to understand that everybody changes and sometimes we don't agree on the same things anymore and we have to make different choices for our life. I just hope that the void and pain he gave me, would soon be replaced by better things in life, not necessarily a person, but just something better. And I just hope that one day when we talk, I wont feel like shedding a tear or falling helplessly in love with the old person I grew up with for those are nothing but beautiful memories.

We all don't need to cry over spilled milk, buy another bottle.
<3

Microblogging.

I honestly am starting to feel that twitter is slowly downgrading my writing skills, not that I was any better or at an ace, but well, I really should start writing like a 20 year old.

I'm deep down inside honestly am paranoid to have realized the person I've become. Constantly at cloud nine with whatever joys life bring me but a major procrastinator at the matters of importance.

(In your face twitter, you can't write this long)

I miss my pondok friends already, I just left them for like 10 minutes, I love the bunch, they're family and they complete my day.

I really think I don't miss having a love life, probably I miss the thrill, the heartbeat and the constant I have somebody to complain to, but these are the moments that matters to me, to build and stand on my two feet. I totally value this time. And really, to answer all you people who have been asking out there, I'm fine so far. I hurt and I tampal plaster handplast on my heart. *shreakkk bunyi plaster lekat*

Just need to mention how much I love sitting on the computer chair with just my Bonds underwear on.

Anyways, I'm quite psyched to my 3.9 cgpa venture. I'm starting summer school mid dec, can't wait to be a Nerd, been quite the wild child lately and all in good planning, I shall get my life and brains back altogether. Need to be somebody. Use somebody. And Somebody to love.

<3 I love this life and me.

And all of you who matters.
And all the things that matters.
And God.

Home.

I haven't gone out of this house for two days.
but I'm actually quite sane surprisingly.

I was reading my old blog posts yesterday when I realized, I'm very emotional, to the extend of slightly sounding like I write emo/screamo/metal lyrics or something. And I realized I was also full of crap. Still am and proud of it, but CRINGE when I see what I use to write and like. No matter, all part of growing up. :)

I'm planning to write more this holidays. Post more things. Update more things. It enlightens me that this blog actually could be one of those, a road down memory lane. All my happiness and pain, pretty awesome I guess. Well to me, not you if you don't think so.

Okay back to work for now.
I want to go Zoukout, lets go people. :C

Motivation.

So in my failed attempt of doing work which is three days overdue, I shall blog about my current state.

I think I lack motivation, to wake up, to do things, to even go out, just step over the bed and take a shower and get some sun. My motivation are in the lights of nocturnal activities and a heavy load of cash outflow. Damned. What the hell have I done to myself.

I keep delaying my work, I can't even get my brain to function 3 hours straight to write and shoot and edit and read freaking research articles. I'm not falling off the wagon, I've seriously missed the three wagons that were willing to take me back on board.

My intense heartbreak period has seriously left me numb by all emotions and feelings people could portray, share, give or take. All I care about is what I want to do in the moment. I'm screwing my life long plans and my future.

On this road, I'm really disappointing a lot of people. I want to run away and start over if I could.

I have a million things to do, with enough time, but I don't do it.

I've changed too much.

<3 Mstrkrft addict for now.

Lost.

I've lost the one who I thought I love and the one who I thought loved me.
I've lost my pride, sense of direction,
and myself along this journey.
I've regret to say I've lost money and my favorite watch,
but most of all I've lost most that I have got.

but I haven't lost weight.

I have to start writing again.

Part of me being myself and reaching out to the nothingness is when I write.

There's this certain kind of calmness and peace when I am intimate with literature, language and the phonics.

I know this sounds bullshit to you guys, but part of me, loving myself and loving how I get through every pain life inflicts upon me, is through writing.

I have to start writing again. My blog, my songs, my thoughts, theories, etc.

It's like

It's like one day down the past,
You met a boy,
He showed you the most ways you can be happy.
Not that you didn't, it was just better.

But one day,
A bit further than that past,
He chose to show you the most perfect way to be hurt,
Not that you didn't know it would, you refused to believe he could.

Moving.

So I think I've been quite under the radar, guess this post will explain my absence in the public eye. Not that anyone reads my blog.

I am moving.
Nah, not out of town, or not even far away, or not even for good. My house will be on a major renovation, and from TTDI, I am now situated in Mutiara Damansara. Short notice right? Yeah, been packing stuff like crazy. Didn't take it that it would be so soon. Too soon. :C I'm feeling nostalgic about this old house. The place I called home the first time, literally. :') Oh well, make over!

Uni is a bitch, period.
ASSignments (though I find it really lame people use this way of spelling assignments, I'm lame I supposed). God, how I wish due dates would die and lecturers will follow. I really need to buck up my studies though. Been playing more than working. I'm really falling off the wagon. The one with my future inside.

and boyfriend on holidays. Wee!

till then,
Love,
Nad.

Favorite songs of the month.

I'm in the Corinne Bailey Rae, Missy Higgins, Regina Spektor, Sondre Lerche, Anya Marina, Devendra Banhart, Bic Runga Mood. Hah! Take that. :)

I feel like I haven't been scouting for songs for a really long time. You know, the good 'ol myspace music, top artists days. So, I'm going back to that, find more indie bands, good songwriters. It's addictive once you start though. But I need new music to listen to anyways. Besides the contemporary loves, in the lights of Lady Gaga and Britney Spears. :P

Ciao Bella.

I haven't been blogging.

I think I'm going to go back to blogging a lot. I realized I've become very lazy to write practically anything, when the time needs it, and when the time doesn't especially. Have to get used to all these writing.

I am so sleepy.

Bye Bye January 2010

As of today,

I've lost a kilo, I've read three books but I didn't managed to save the money I wanted to.

So hello february, bring on your wits.

Lamento D' Filamento

You make me feel ugly yet it makes me complete,
You make me feel sad yet it corks up a smile,
I feel depressed when you make me happy,
I feel it's simple the way you live,
I want to have more than what meets the eye,
No Cinderellas' but more broomsticks and rag cloths,
Your compliment feels like a bullet,
Eleven of them through my heart.

Help.

the fifth.

I just honestly think that I'm losing my marbles. I'm losing it. I have everything yet I feel nothing. I feel completely discontent with myself. I feel uttermost upset with the little pieces of this puzzle that are still missing. Little joint and bone connectors that are just not connecting. I truthfully have the best man for me, the greatest of friends and the kindest family, yet, I am not the best, the greatest or the kindest. I need a life, fast.

Mourning,
nad.