Mmm.

Suddenly I feel that I don't really want to move forward. I rather just suck it up my ass and curl up till I grow old. Life is meaningless now..

Random Sleepless Nights.

• The best thing ever is to sit with just my underpants and tshirt on.
• Children Vitamins are the best drug.
• It's always right to eat chocolates before you sleep.
• iPhones. Enough said.
• Notebooks and To-Do lists.
• Senseless lyrics beats emotional beats.
• Duo - neon lighted mouse.
• Addicted to Astrology, Horoscopes, Virtual Fortune Tellers, Fortune Cookies and Tarots
• Hate, undergrounds that goes mainstream. Well, can't be help.
• There's never enough money, as long as you want to live. (Not need, want.)
• Fuji Instax, orgasmic.
• Warcraft and L4Ds.
• Alcohol and Porn.
• I just like buying make up. Tee Hee~!
• Friendship Vacations.
• 2005 Studded Belts.
• Ten Episodes of Friends.
• I can facebook, tweet and Super-google, all day long without getting bored.
• Self-help books, useless but interesting.

<3

Jag Let

Teehee.

I have established that the worst thing in the world is to have everything that you are content with but figured out it is not your hearts content. This sudden explosion in my head has made me realized that, I am unhappy. Grateful for the things and people I have around me, but unhappy with the things I thought I wanted so badly. And thus, it's time to revamp life. It's almost new years anyways right?

I hate jet lags. I need to sleep badly.

Starbucks in London

<3

Love, Lost, Again.

Do you know what hurts the most in love? Losing it.

It's not about how you lost that person, it's more on the lost of feelings.
It's not about how you wish they'd come back, it's really how you wish the norms you had came back,
It's not about how you wish the tears would stop, it's more on how you wish the tears was worth it,

And you know you can't control crying, you can't control breaking down, you can't control feeling so breathless, you just wish you had the will to live again, even though you can't see that you're living. How much more painful can it get when you were so filled with life and now you're just empty. You have nothing to wake up in the morning for, you have nothing to plan for, you lost the purpose of actually living this life, you just pretty much lost your way.

Being in love is the best feeling you could ever feel, hands down. The blissful happiness, the fun, the way you enjoy day after day someone loving you back, it's the best, by far. Happiness actually, is the best feeling ever. And it comes within love and many other things. It's that unspoken bond you have between you, that happiness from within your hearts that does not need to be manifested. Oh, love.

But it's pretty hopeless, once they leave.

Toccara Jones.

I want to be like her. Even though she's a bit on the plus size, she's beautiful. Sexy baby.

A Dream.

One of my unspoken (but now written here) dreams is to be the next Al-Gore. No, you idiot, I don't want to run for America's President but I do want to be an activist as charismatic as him. Not only fluent in speech, Al Gore makes the best presentations on Global Warming, ever, hands down, period. I want to save the world, as idealistic as it sounds, I do wish to make a difference even if we all end up dying with the devastating state of our environment. I want to be remembered, even when there is no one left to know me, as someone who had serve the world and not the likes of her selfishness. I'm not going on a Vegan pledge but I'm going to start small. Efficient Light Bulbs, No Plastic Bags, Plant the trees, Campaign the environment corruption to stop and Recycle at least. I feel that people do not realize that if the world dies, where are we to stand and live and breed on? We die too.

Make a difference.
I love my globe,
Nad.

How can you eat when your world needs you first?

What I find hard to comprehend is the inability to take action. Haven't you heard that a second can make a difference. How could anyone possibly just sit around, lounge around, enjoy precious time when other things in hand are at stake? It's like putting the world in your pocket and food in your mouth. How can you eat when your world needs you first?

And when you pause to wonder you decide that the world can wait. And as the world wait you gamble the love you had for your world. You gamble every little aspect you have shoved into your world, every tiny prospect and every given time. All for nothing. Why would you live in a world you are going to destroy in the end by taking time to cure what you can, cure.

At a point it is unforgivable, at the very brink of giving up, your world is falling off the edge and your desperate cries, your short hand won't reach to save it now. It is unforgivable. Why would you leave your world to tears when it has given you love. It has stayed with you in the name of love. Your world is broken, and only the gray skies are there to conceal what you have done. You are not blind from the pain you caused to the world but you deny it. You, human, couldn't possibly have the emotional capacity to bury guilt and create new wonders like the world could do.

At the end of the day, I am sure you will lose your world in this manner.
It is irritable, unprofessional and most of all, upsetting.

<3

Happy Aidilfitri All!

I love how my family never plans what to wear and end up in the same color :)

Love.

This shit will be in Singapore.

:C

mstrkrftmiamour<3

Games Games Games!

Okay, I haven't been focusing at ALL with my studies.

I stay up late being all addicted to games right now. Yes, it's the gaming phase of Nad.

First,
Ragnarok :]

Okay this is a little bit lame but,
Cooking Mama 2!

And L4D Yo.

And CS Yo :)



AND I REALLY WANT TO PLAY THIS BETCHES.

L4d2.

Ngarrrrrr.

A strand of hair in flour.

..another word of saying I have a gazillion things to do but there's only one thing on my mind.

I know, it doesn't even come close to what I interpret it as, but it has something to do with something impossible and uniquely done.

My JRN is due real soon. So is FTV presentation. COM presentation. COM essay. the list just goes on. but this is not a post to express my hard time, time managing and finishing up all these assignments. More of something that hit to me, yesterday. In case you're reading this weeks from now, yesterday was 11th August. :)

I had a really long talk with my bestfriend in the morning. We talked about how relationships starts to bloom and how it works it's way around. How one another pull in effort, time and the rest to initiate the relationship. How communication is important. And the most on, the difference between people we get into a relationship with. It got me thinking about my relationship, my boyfriend, my love life, my past and other things that correlates. Basically, I realized that any relationship could actually work out. Let's just put the thing on healthy and unhealthy relationship out of this. It actually depends on us, individuals. Whether we would like to make it work or we would like to just leave and start anew.

Then later in the night I had a longer talk with my boyfriend. We talk about our past, our love lifes, how we felt about people, how we treated people, how we mistreat and have been mistreated. We agreed that we are flawed in many ways but everybody are also. It clicked to me, how much I love my boyfriend. And it's conversations like these, I feel that right now, nobody can understand me better. And it's at times like these, I feel so light at heart to have somebody who is intellectual and open enough to love the person I am under these layers of fat. (I know, not so attractive right, but eff you) It is at these moments I will treasure till my death bed the bundle of feelings I hold towards him. If you don't relate the word intimate with sex, that's how I feel towards my boyfriend. It's nothing physical, it's nothing sexual, it's nothing overrated. It's right down to the overwhelming feeling of being grateful towards God for giving me a chance to be with this guy. And even though, like every other person's relationship, we fight and argue and sickeningly sulk because of our sensitivity, it all comes down to being underlyingly happy at everything that has happened, good or bad, laughable or tearful, in the past, the present and the future. I am looking at the lines and paths that has brought me and him to where we stand right now. We're still two very different people, but I can finally say that I'm glad that things happened the way it happened. I'm glad the past wasn't really a basket full of cherries but a pool of woes. Because I learned from it and things can never be happier for me like it is right now. (Maybe if i had more cash, but still..)

Very, in love.
Nad.

Dogs.

Last night, as I was about to reach home down my not so perfect street, a dog suddenly ambushed my car. Well, I slowed down because I thought it was about to cross the street, instead it jumped and attack the driver's door. Which made me really scared because I started thinking of the 101 possibilities of why dogs were attacking. It didn't made sense either because it had a leash on it and a collar, abandoned perhaps? And it definitely wasn't even close to being dirty. So, I question myself till I fell asleep, what on earth was wrong with that dog last night. And mom wasn't helping, she started relating supernatural superstitions and ghost stories aka "anjing bukan bark at like pontianaks" and the likes. GOD. So it ended there, my heartbeat raced throughout the night thinking about it. Well, wasn't much left of the night because I came back at three a.m. but still..

The weird thing is that, this morning, as I was sending my sister to tuition, I saw another dog on a leash, not the same one for sure. And it was peeing at someone's house gate. What's wrong with the dogs in my area.

Totally weird out,
nad.

Quizzes.

..on facebook are addictive.

So I've been answering and answering quizzes on facebook when i'm bored. But it just strike me that, some of them are REALLY nonsensical? Like "What musical note are you?" Ehh, do i care if i'm a Dm or a Dmajor or a Bflat Minor or something? Really. How the hell do you even interpret people by a musical note? For a fact, I know that minors sounds really sad and majors sounds really happy. So what, the CDEFGABC are degrees of it? REALLY?

Wide Eyed,
Nad.

Current phase.

-multi-tasking.

I'm in the phase of wanting so much things with so little resources. Well specifically, I lack on discipline, time, freedom and mostly, money. No moolahs, no hurrah baby. And this predicament I am in makes me feel slightly disappointed, upset, almost depressed but not there yet and infuriated. Honestly, the last time I bought something for myself without feeling the slightest worry about money, was ages ago. I mean, when was the last time I actually stepped foot into my favorite retails? Anyone recall me purchasing topshop, dorothy perkins, forever 21, zara or reject shop for that matter? God.

Next is on my physical confession. I have lost, a lot, great, thanks people for the compliment but then I'm just not there yet, not at my ultimate aim and my initial goal. I've been very bad with my liquid diet, suddenly food just came into the picture and made me all salivating for more and it's not that I don't try, food is just everywhere. And to just lunch it, it's as if it is a too short of a period to eat. So, there, that's it. I'm trying to reform this problem by having more outdoor activities. Since diandra hasn't started college yet, jogging seems the easiest way out, before i turn into a gigantic slob again. God.

I know my greatest remedy is my boyfriend and my bestfriends of course. But it just ain't a lasting remedy that consults my heart and desires the way I want it to. At a point, one must just reach and climb on their own to get to their needs. So yes, I need to feel how I want to feel and get to the wants I want.

I'm pretty much feeling determined right now. Thanks for providing this writing space blog. I love you my one way, non interactful friend.

Till then,
The fat woman shall speak again,
Love,
Nad.

I wanna be..

an anarchy - Sex Pistols.

I miss my rock, black, punk and drum banging music days. All of a sudden, i missed all those songs from those era, come to think of it, it's hard to find songs these days as pleasurable to the ear as then. And to the extent, those singers themselves do not make good songs as they did then, now. What a bummer. No matter, we're in the Disney kids goes Multimillionaire era aren't we? That's fine with me though. I'm not those who are too silly to admit their likes. I love Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez and the almost going down the drain HSM stars for that matter.

Love music, and music, and other music.
Nad.

Cringes.

These are a list of cringes :
the ones i remember of course.

• Writing corny songs for ex-boyfriends and listening to them now.
• Tripping over my kurung kain while being angry at someone.
• Sounding too flirty or too cocky at the wrong person.
• Drawing heartshapes and so called 'graffiti' in notebooks, science textbooks and looking at it now.
• Having no fringe.
• Eating like a pork in front of a love interest.
• Slipping with an non anti-slip slippers in front of a bookstore.
• Caught making out.
• Having a butt-crack exposed to the classroom.
• Sweating like a river on a presentation.
• Whole day of period stain.
• Accidentally sneezing into someone.
• Looking very pretty and ended up accidentally spraying water from my tap to the person beside me.
• Tripping over as a bridesmaid.
• Texting someone's father and calling him an ass because I didn't know it was not his son.
• About to move lorry climbing.
• Making a joke, no one understood.
• Snoring in a crowd.
• Farted.
• Snorted while laughing so hard with Diandra and Harris.
  
• Smelling armpits while not realizing on webcam.
• Going naked while not realizing webcam was still on.
• Sang to Robbie Williams with some drunken chinese.
• Threw up in Nina's car.
• Having pepper spraying someone's bag of things and accidentally rubbing my eyes after that.
• Looking out of place.
• Laughing alone, talking to loud.
• Crying and going crazy in public.

:))
<3

Stop Pretending.

Please, stop pretending that you're life is so much better and condemning mine just because you lost. If you're really over it, stop reading my blog and commenting on my daily happiness you won't obtain. At the very least, I'm enjoying my life, if you are not enjoying yours, be quiet, idiot. Can you please let everybody rest from all your pretense? How more self-centered can you get.

:)

11:01

..is my favorite number and the hour on the clock right now.

So, how is it that you exert your body so much at the sports center that now, your kidney feels like tearing apart? That was exactly what happened. Maybe the next time my baby says another 2 reps, I should just throw those dumbbells in the gym at his face. :@ God, I seriously feel so sick, my tummy is all hot. Like temperature wise.

I feel so far behind time. Want to know something? I missed the first day of college, after opting a 4 flat gpa this sem. Yeah, Go Nad. I seriously thought classes starts next week. Not this one, till Sabrina called and texted this morning. Thanks for the reality check. I feel so shitty, only God would understand.

I've been feeling really angry lately for some reason. I don't have any ideas why. I'm angry at myself and at everyone else at things that can't talk. These wrath, I need to come down to the underlying cause of it. I believe it to be, the lack of income. No money, no fun, cannot live, depressed. No shopping too.

I think I would settle for a diet coke and A-List now.
I love you all.
Visit my blogshop asses.

http://ijustneedcash.blogspot.com/

<33

As of today

..I am feeling very nauseous and upset. Hormones are being bitches.

..I hate that time of the month for women. All I can think of are cravings, love, emotional-wrecks, being bitchy and my woes in life. Like seriously, can't this hormonal imbalance be more optimistic about myself? I know, you'll say it's mind over matter but I'm just tired to go all Little Buddha doing Yoga and controlling my mind right now. Let the hormones let loose. Run along you little things in my body that takes over my mental capacity. Be free!

..Okay, enough about bloody vagina season. Let's talk about something else. I know I used to complained being up so early as 6 am, but I am kind of missing it. Especially when I have a lot to do. Besides, I don't escape my online period, which makes me waste a good one hour on the computer when I have better things to do. Shit.

..I want my business to run fast, badly. I also know everybody concerned and everyone I've met says that my business is running off just fine, but it's not raking in enough money for me. People, it's called "I Just Need Cash" for a reason. Come on, Come On! Threadszoo Bazaar was cool. At least I sold off quite a sum of it. Some people are convinced that I'm selling my items too cheap and some people are convinced that there are just so many items I'm selling that it seems like I'm not going anywhere. Whatever it may be, too much or too cheap, I just want it to go, God Damnit.

..I am no longer losing weight. I bet Ain has already given up on me. Sorry bestie. I have disciplinary issues. I want to shed off another 10kgs, why is it taking forever. Fine, I'm going down to make my hot, fat burning, herbal life tea for awhile, you hold on blog. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- that wasn't so hard and I've switched off my airconditoner! Okay, I shall vow to start today, for if I do not, everything else will be ruined and I won't get money as fast I want to. Hmph!

..I'm still drinking my tea and sweating off the outer layer of fats, which is not so obvious unless I stick to the liquid diet plan. So fine, after this, blending herbal life it is! Anyways, sorry for the delay, was preparing some deliveries for my business. Come on people, I know most of you are skinny and most of my clothes are bigger than the norm, but buy it. Seriously. For your averaged size friend or your mom or your aunt or your grandma. They like to be trendy too. And yourself mostly, don't tell me a little high waisted belt won't make these size 12 shirts sexy. Seriously. 0_0

..I need a PDA, a blackberry or another Iphone. I miss having everything so organize in my palms. I'm back to my starbucks organizer. Haven't touch the pen for a very long time. :C I just miss my Momochie Jr. I really hope, whoever stole my iphone, slip on the cliff of that Ampang Menara Tinjau and die. Really, I hope and wish. Or better, hit by a truck, slip and die.

..I shall go now and have my bath. A lot of things to do, starting with sending the boyfriend back to Nilai. God forsaken hot CFS IIUM, why do you have to be so far and so hot.

<3
Nad.

R.I.P. Iphone.

Yesterday night, my iphone was stolen by the jockey at the Ampang Point Site, Hulu Langat. What supposed to be a romantic surprise for me and nina's other half, became a tragic night. Well, more for me, for I was the one who lost the Iphone which contained, my valuable contacts, plans, writings, messages, pictures and high score for all the freaking application inside it. The jockey, namely Mohd. Nazib was obviously the only one who could have stolen the phone for according to him, nobody moved the car where he parked it. The rest of the jockeys who were clearly involved, oh please cut the crap and shut your trap. All of them were obviously a)Dumb enough to switch off the iphone, that's why it still rang till the morning_, b)Dumb enough to think that we didn't see right through them_, and c)Discussing in front of our faces and not so nonchalantly shh-ing each other when we came nearby. Geez. Honestly, It didn't pissed me off that much on losing the phone in general but what really pissed me off was knowing they took it and unable to do nothing and seeing them complotting how to hide the thing. Talk about subtlity. To the operation officer, Mohd. Hata, you're another bad actor. "Kita akan update lah, lagi dua tiga hari.." What the fuck wei? Do you really and honestly think that I would gladly wait 2 to 3 days? The only reasons I do not steal is because I have a sense of being moral, honest and civilized, and god forbids me, if i steel a RM2000 Iphone, I would be skipping to Lowyat and gladly selling it the first thing I do. and 2 - 3 days, helps, how? Besides Mr. Hata, if you were trying to evesdrop on us, please do in a way that we don't exactly know what you're doing, suddenly appearing so near to our car and places we stood. God. Talk about malay stupidity. Not to condemn my own race, but really, why, for a place so touristic such as Ampang Menara Tinjau, should the jockeys be made up of rempits and baldhead gangsters? Can't this country afford to maintain such places at peace? Like nina said, the Iphone probably costs as much as their salaries. I could honestly, compute why someone would steal and Iphone but that doesn't make me feel any better how lousy we were treated yesterday. How do I put it to words? Hmmm, if you want to lie or steal, please do it in a very professional and discreet manner. Nobody needs to point more fingers to the obvious.

I guess, emotionally, I'm pretty upset because I enjoyed the phone, I didn't even have to earn or buy it, I got it out of pure luck as a gift to my family, handed down to me. When I know this all seems spoiled, I actually treasured the fact that I got it just like that. I appreciated and I was grateful for it. I love the fact that it kept me busy and it filled my sleepless nights or waiting hours. It gave me easier access to the things I love. It gave me a platform to write on the spot eventhough i prefer notebooks and notepads. It was the perfect definition of useful. It upsets me more because I know myself, that I won't buy another Iphone, unless I'm suddenly drowning in a million bucks, but honestly, buying a phone that expensive, is not me. I'd rather use the almost broken phones in my house than spending that much of money on an Iphone. So farewell Baby Momochie, I will always remember you.

Love,
Your owner.

Sitting on the edge.

I'm so close to giving up, and so near to being down.

I feel like escaping into my world, into the things I want, into a realm that makes me happy, into what I'm made of and into the things that goes with the heart and not the brain. Everyday is another step to the worst and not the better. And when things get better you don't seek the joy, you seek the dread. And when you find unhappiness, you blame others for getting in the way, you blame love for slowing you down, you blame everything else that does not fall in place. I don't feel like platinum, heroine or the blue skies anymore, you've treated me like every other elements that makes up your life, and somewhere along the way, you forgot to love.

Thinking.

The more i think of it, the more that it gets to me and it's a total lie, when you can choose not to think. Do you have control over your mind, your mind is the controller. It remotes your every action and everything you have got to say. Be it you regret or you find ease in it, in time, everything gives up in the end. Your mind gives up.

I want to cry..

because Ed Westwick is gorgeous. :C

Nadia's Confession.

I just am not being self-disciplined these days. I really don't have money, I'm not really studying, I practically get by, by bullshitting really good. I'm not losing weight anymore, my face is like a barrel of zits and acnes. If i was a dog, spot would be my name. Dotty would also do. Everything is all over the place. My schedules, my ambitions, my love and my people. Okay maybe you can scratch love and people, they're all good. I'm really in a mess right now. Apart of me feels like this underlining discontent is wholly because I do not have money and I do not have enough time to get the things I want done, done. Perhaps that is why I have been waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I can start my day. Before I realize, who in this bloody world starts their day at 4am. Some are just about to get home from shaking their asses. I have a disorder with myself. I am perpetually dissatisfied right now with everything. Not just being a let down, i've been let down by others. Some people are just too slow for my pace and some people are just too consumed in themselves to open up and understand me. For whatever reasons, I can't pinpoint this vague feeling of uncertainty. I think somewhere along the lines of being myself, I lost purpose.

Toy.

I wish to look like a toy,
One you remember till you're dying breath,
One you played with so dearly,
One you can love.

And when you need to leave,
I won't worry,
You'll take me along,
I'm the only thing you'll ever bring.

Birthdays after birthdays,
I'd still share your bed,
I'd still be in your hands,
I'd still be the apple in your eye.

The best part is,
I'm a toy,
I'm bold and I smile with the every colors painted on me,
I'm a vague memory of your happiness that once existed,
I'm your favorite toy.

<3

I want money.

I desperately need money, It's only the 6th of June and I'm broke. Shit.

Wednesday, The Third.

So I Have no FTV tutorials and I'm doing my stinking journalism presentation. Well, can't complain the nice environment of sitting in my room with my PJ's on and having the bright sun shining through. I think I'm going to play my guitar soon, I haven't touched Pete for ages.

Touched the guitar, here's the new song :

Would you tell me right now those three words I like to hear,
Whisper softly in my ears that you'll never leave me dear,
Promise me you'll always stay the same,
For years and years to come my love,

So tell me, tell me it's good enough,
Just good enough to hold me close,

Don't let me down,
Please stay around,
Waking up to the morning,
In my arms,
I'll make you coffee,
Or chamomile tea,
Just as long,
As you lay with me.




------x habis lagi.

Love,
Nad

I Love You

Lean Back, Lean Back.

Two things I really hate right now, a) Heartbreaks and b) People who doesn't understand the perfect definition of MYOB when we here are M-our-OB.

Anyway, anyhow..

TGIF! and tomorrow's Steve Aoki!

This is mine.

I'm glad of the days that hurt bad,
I'm glad that there were people to ruin my day,
I'm thankful to those who are not by my side,
I'm thankful to those who pretend they were my friends,
I'm thrilled to find that there are indeed envious people,
I'm thrilled to find they are envious of me,
I smile at the fact the were temporary failures,
I smile at others for stealing my victory,

Maybe 'people' do not understand that it is my ability to consume my own dread that has made me a mile further than what I was yesterday. I need not be judge or publicly told of what I have loss and what I have gained. When the past seems like a recurring missile to you, it is just a smudge I've managed to wipe. Nobody wishes to kill you for heaven's sake. If it's a war that you wish, find the right ammo first. Because life seems to good to be true right now if you want to lose this game. ;)

I have come to a point of retiring from such obligations to please who I do not want to please. Who do not accept me for what I am and what I want to be. Those who pretend they hold the righteous truth when they simply lack courage to live. I'm done trying to conceal what I'm made of and what plants a smile on my face. I've long realized that I do not waste my judgments on what I am judge on. I walk on those judgments. And to your surprise, I still live, breathe and practically sleep just fine.

A jumpstart is often shaky, but the ride stays smooth.
Get your seatbelts on, because you don't know how to drive.
<3
Nad.

To Taste Iron.

Ferum, Fe.

Have you ever wondered why the taste of something so strong and shiny could be nothing more but distasteful? Because if you're iron, I'll be the air and the water to show you rust. I'll be platinum that scratches your surface with a screeching sound. I'll be the degree of heat to melt you and your so called strong and polished self. You're just iron and I'm the air you breathe, the water you drink and the heat you curse so much. And I'm enjoying this.

Xoxo,
Naddienaddienaddie.

A million knives won't kill.

How could you love what you had ruined,
How could you have ruined what you had love.
How could you trace what you've destroyed,
How could you see in the empty.
How is it possible that I'll stand again,
When I've fallen too far deep.
How will you try to catch my hands,
When it's soaked with the oil you burned me in.
How would it be if you fall too,
Will you be there to crash by my side.
What would it take you to grip to the walls,
That were not built to stand,
But close what we are.

Nadia's Updates, in the slow lanes.

Omg, I crap too much these days.

1. I am spoiling my diet because of someone who just can't stop asking me out during meal times.
2. I can't save anymore. There's just so much things to buy. I have no idea what's wrong with me.
3. Driving = Petrol = Money = Me Broke.
4. I write a lot these days, but not on you my beautiful blogger, on Facebook Notes. :P Sorry.
5. And my Tumblr is lacking on photos too.
6. Ain's going to be mad at me because my herbal life is up and down.
7. I still haven't finish reading the books I want.
8. I refuse to write love songs because I feel so cheesy.
9. I got an Iphone now.

Nothing interesting right? Haha.
xoxo,
Nad.

Some people just don't know how to grip.

I think melodramas are necessities in life, you need to expressively express what you want. We get it. But come on, does it take you an amount of undying feelings in the form of posts and texts to express. How could you even label someone a low-life when you yourself cannot put the very existence of the word into writing? And for heaven's sake, nobody has the time to talk about you on this virtual world, till now of course. :) I'm probably hoping you read this one.

XoXo,
Lovessss,
Naddddsssss.

What Exactly?

What exactly are we? Every day, every time, every where? The faces we pass by everyday and the possibility of knowing that maybe we have passed them before? What exactly do we make up for everyday? Humans? What are humans really? Nothing more than a mere complicated definition of mutilated species on earth turned into a word. Who are we becoming really in this world? Someone or no one? Pick.

Just Maybe Again.

Just maybe, things could shape out like mountains and become a big huge lump of something nice to look at. Probably not the best things to be with but the mountain as a whole. So serene and something we just need to look at. Just maybe, things could be right, another time, another day. Not now, but it will. Eventually. Just maybe, tomorrow I'll wake up smiling at the facts, the fictions and the infecteds. Just maybe the catastrophe is the beauty and not the upheaval of the mishaps. Just maybe if you look hard enough at the mountains, you'll see that it's nothing. Just God's creation but you describe it so elaborately. Just maybe, you could walk on clouds and feel that what you walk in, is heaven. Even though none of us know what heaven is. But again, aren't they descriptive? Like the mountains. So just maybe, things could work, again. :)

Love,
Nad.

The most.

What upsets me the most, is not what you did, but how could you even got up the vehicle and did it. How could you lie and left me with broken trust? Only to find out on my own and the whispers of others around. What upsets me the most, is not the whole situation, but what really did you thought of me when you did it? What was I in the whole situation, just an audience, slowly interpreting the truth? Why were you so cold when you let me know, when my heart was warmth with love for you. Now what upsets me the most, is not that it happened, but how do you go every day as if it's fine. Do you think of me till the night and what damage it brought about? And do you think of how I cry, how it's not just for the sakes of tears rolling down, but that feeling. The whole burden in my chest, the way it has made it harder to breathe, the way everyone looks down on me for giving you trust, for giving in to you, the way the world suddenly seems so cold, no one's there for me, it's so empty inside, you could just get by everyday, being blank and not thinking. Are you very empty inside and inside your mine that you could just not think? How could you choose not to think? And what was the whole point of you coming back into my life every time. Justify that.

Imagine the rain.

Imagine just sitting in the car, driving for miles and miles, not knowing where you're headed, and the droplets tearing down from your windows leaves shadow prints on your skin. It's as if you're diseased and possibly dead or about to rot. You look back at your window and you find that the world is crying when you're in that car. The water don't just dry like that, even though you're moving fast. Faster than you think you could drive. You have reach the limitless speed of going further away from the rain. And when you arrive where the sun shines, you stop, get out of the tearing car. You take a minute or ten to consume what has just happened. The way you looked like you're about to die in that car. You plan to wait for your car to dry. As you wait, there you see, the rain is coming with the dark clouds above.

You can't run away from miseries, mishaps, misfortunes and mistakes. No matter how far you've moved on, the past clings on to you like a vice. The difference is that, should you let it rain you down, or should it wash away your pain. To embrace, is to take a step further from where you were at the first square. Even though the storm still comes your way, don't fear it. It'll take you to the other squares you need to be at. You just need to realize that you're beyond square one.

Life has it's meanest way to show you how to live. It is not always kind to their clients. We are it's respective clients. But we have rights. To be let down or to live up. And no matter what we choose, we know best what we are and what we need to do. We do not hurt, to hurt some more. Sometimes, it's that little bit or enormous amount of pain that takes us higher from where we fell. Like an express ticket on a busy road to paradise. We learn. So bring the rain, i'm not scared.

:)

I'm all out of faith.

this is how I feel.

Maybe, it's just the time of the month where your emotions really build up inside and out. Apparently, it's pretty much transparent and people could see right through you. I'm not one to hide, I'm just using this as a tool to express and to maybe change perspectives. Kill stereotypical mindsets too. April's are always not the best month for me anyways, regardless in any year. Hated April and hating this one too.

I'm short of cash and it is still early in the month. I guess that's a factor why I'm very unhappy. I haven't seen my friends for quite sometime. Or hung out in large groups for that matter. I have a feeling they find me to seclude myself from them, but they don't get the complications I'm going through. (No, I don't have cancer even though I sound like I have one) I'm so consumed in trying to make myself feel better that I don't have time to try and make people approve of my behavior. Friend's should not judge, but accept. Yet, that's not always the case. On the other hand, workload is not really my best friend at the moment. I'm so tired of work and work. Even this whole week of holiday is making me sick of work.

I'm just not in the mood to live up to anyone right now or anything for that matter, just myself.
So be it if I'm a bitch and I'm selfish.
Love,
Nad.

Why do i, believe in all your lies.

And i've wasted another month on an emotional wreck.

I haven't been blogging. Mainly because I was trying to justify the reality of my last blog. Till then, i told myself not to blog. And now that I've finally gotten the painful truth. Here I am again.

HI BLOG! I MISSED YOU!

I'm fine, really. A bit emotional and unhappy with the shitload of events recurring by the same person, but I'm really as honestly relieved, that it's over. No more being in dark, feeling insecure, paranoid and doubtful. And more of proving all my doubts were true. :) I'm such an instinctive person, I love myself. So that's, that.

I'm going to visit my grandmother's grave now, I'll write to you soon. Loads to tell and show.

Love,
Nad.

Monologue of my failure with you

and the sad song plays on the piano.

How could I possibly be in such a mess with myself? Have I not learn the essence of heartbreak? I'm torn in believing that there's hope when I want to believe that there is non, nada. And the fact whether there is or there isn't remains just vague. Why must it all be a mystery, as if we will never know the end to this imperfect and perishable story. Why can't the book just close now for me to open up another one and why must the ultimate character in that story lingers on. The Antagonist to be exact. Why can't he find another person to excruciatingly hurt, why am I always the one in pain..

Answer me! I'm mad.

I'm so angry at you for playing with what I hold so dearly, my feelings, you ass. Just because you don't know how to take care of them and how to use them for the better don't come near to mine and destroy them in your palms. Don't you dare take control of them again for me to wake up to endless tears in the morning thinking that why must it be so hard to work this out with you and have our happy endings when we die. It's just unfair, that you feel nothing, nothing near to how deep my emotions are entangled with everything about you. You don't know how far and much I would go for you. You don't know how much pain, I've withstand all along and bury them far away at the back of my mind so that I'd give you a chance, a better chance to prove how worthy I am of a person. And tell me for what? Even now, after twice your charm has killed me, for what?

For chances has long gone in the end.

What ever goes on in your head? Why come back now and justify me everything I needed you to say when I love you without boundaries? When I was willing to open back the wounds I sealed for a year just watching you pass by like a distant vague memory that meant nothing when my heart was actually tearing down. What differences can you show me now for me to even feel that you are worth my time? Have you no shame to patheticly crawling back to me every single time you felt empty without me. Admit it, it's the emptiness without my company that you cherish but you'll never love me. It's how you perceive me as someone you cherish in your life but you'll never love anything about me. It's how I was your first everything, right down to your first touch and kiss and hugs. It's those things you consider precious, it's just the situation, the facts and the way it made you feel but you'll never love me. So admit it you just feel heavy at heart to lose me because of those little things, just that. And I'm the one that is supposed to fall down, and get back up, stumble again over every damage you've done and climb back up, alone.

You are a liar. And God save me if I'm wrong, you're deeply and idioticly confused.

What you always have is only your sweet mouth and your set of uncontrollable raging hormones. Nothing more. You don't have a sense of good judgment, you don't even have a set of mind fit enough to live your future. And no offense, your stupidity is all written over your forehead. You might come off nice, you might come off as someone sincere and someone who would be there for anyone at any time of the day. Tell me, how many times in a day do you pretend to be someone else but the real you? But I know you so well. You're not nice, caring, sincere, hardworking or what ever close to being a good person at heart. And well I guess I don't blame you for being such an indecent creature of this earth because you have never found the right path, not with me not with anybody. You think you're a leader? No you're not, you're a follower. You blindly follow anything with the company you have around you. Your mind does not only falters when you are drunk, your mind falters every single day. Everytime you see, breathe, live and sleep. Your mind falters. And when it does, you lose everything, you change your mind like you are hurting no one, as if you are dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. Because I've seen the real you, without your guard or your armor or anything else by your side, I've seen your bare soul and dreams and ambitions. And what you are now, is nothing like what you are deep inside. You as a person, is so beautiful at heart. But just not who you are now.

Do you remember how you close the car door at my fingers?

I felt the change in us, there and then. But i refuse to stop what we were because I love your company. And that was my mistake, letting you hurting me more and more. How many times you disappeared when I needed you? Is that your definition of I'll always be there for you. You can't even keep to your words. How many things have you hid from me. How the hell do you think I felt when we ended things I've to find out that you disappeared with someone else? With someone you assured me was nothing to you but a friend. But all that I have suspected made sense when you i left you. It made sense. So tell me do you understand now how badly every single day after you hurt more and more to find out about all the lies you've said and all the things you did behind my back. I bet it wasn't always your mom, your brother or your family. It was just someone else. I should have trust my instincts and not my heart and not how dearly you seem to my eyes. They are all just innuendos. How you made me weep at my achievement when I stepfoot on the first day of my uni-life because you promised you'd be there. How i couldn't hear, listen, see and do certain things because it'll make me so devastatingly upset thinking about you promised to be there for these things. It's how much of an impression you made to me that was all false.

Tell me honestly. How many times a day do you really see me in every raindrop, every clouds and every light beamed? Now don't get me wrong, I'm just quoting what you said. Justify your motives to me. What's the use of you telling me all these when you're never going to be there for me. It's perpetually going to be a hoax to you. You need me to be there for you because I know I'll listen to you, no matter how painful it is to just be beside you, no matter how hard it is to accept that we are nothing but the company. It's because of who I am, I'm ever so proned to letting you hurt be up and down like a rollercoaster. Even if I've build a guard, a block and a massive amount of armors around myself when I'm with you, everything shatters for you will always own a softspot in my heart. And I know that you know it. And when you do, you're not thankful about it, you use it to your advantage and leave me when you're done with what you need. That's the part that I can't take from you anymore, that's the part where I feel so indescribably devastated. For someone who would say and show me love, you don't know what love is till you have my heart for your own and understand what it is all about.

I'm always just the girl who taught you what love is, and you're ungrateful for it.

Thank you. Is that all that you can muster up considering you're such a strong person in everything. Just a thank you to answer all the damage you have put upon me. Where have all your kindness gone to? Revenge, is that what's on your mind for me? I deserve all your bullshits after the amount of depression you gave me. Is that it? Grow-fucking-up. The amount of what I sacrificed for you, let's not talk about 3 years but in 3 months, was accumulated up for nothing. Everything still ended up in pieces and smaller pieces and smaller pieces of tiny particles that I couldn't even fix. And each particle will always stab through my heart every now and then. And I'm not even talking about how much money I spent, how much time I wasted, how much infuriation was going on at home, etc. etc. It was how much i gave myself to you. Inside and out. And you're always so guilty of it because you couldn't do the same. Right? You think I didn't noticed? Of course I did. But you don't understand, I do it, because I really love you deep inside, I would see the world with you, I wouldn't mind spending every minute of the day with you, I would be there when you call me, I would like to hear your hopes and dreams and I would want to laugh all the pain we put on each other then away.

You don't understand me.

My feelings for you is a bundle of joy that can never be popped away, it will always be vulnerably there. And you don't understand that, to you, I'm a crazy obsessive psycho-path that wants to control you. How do I not blow up when you can falter every day. You can never be decisive on anything and you come back after a month of choke I had to breathe through, trying to justify what me and you are? Have you ever heard the phrase a little too late? I can't keep giving you chances to redeem yourself to me, I can't keep waiting for you to be able to justify yourself, I can't receive anymore hope from you. For god's sake, stop saying you don't give me hope when you can say you see me in every raindrop and clouds. When you say like we're not done and when you say you can see a future with me. Do you really expect me to regard it as nothing? You must be mentally impaired then. As i said before, I'm trying not believe it when I already have fall for it.

I really need to feel what is real.

Don't come back to me just so that you can get back in my goodbooks, don't come back to me just so that you'll never lose my company, don't come back to me if i can't call you mine, don't come back to me if what we have is just a mutual feeling of distress, enveloped in fantasies, when i know you are good at heart deep inside, you haven't found yourself. When you do, tell me what is it that you desire from me at that point. I've wasted 3 years in love with you to have it so broken up in the end, another year to get by and get over you and doing things I never could with you by my side, another 3 months of your company but was never really there, just a false hope that was proven to have not worked out, and to be ringed by a bell saying chances had long gone, how much more time do you really want me to suffer? How much more pain can you inflict on to me without guilt and feelings of remorse? I can't wait for you and bear all these at once. I can't perpetually be confused on what I have to do. I'm torn as it is because of everything you did that I can bear and the things you say now. I can't afford to see me smiling at your presence when I'm in your arms for the gazillionth times it does not mean anything. I can afford to wake up the next day knowing that all the warmth and love I felt last night is nothing the next morning. I can't afford to love you with all my heart to know that soon you would want to be in some other girl's company and not mine, you'll only find me when you know there's nobody else like me that you're comfortable with and would like to keep. I can't see you with someone else now, if you think you are unstable, you're wrong, you're just falling further in deep shit. I'm unstable, i breakdown at the mere memory of you, I get into temporary moments of insanity when I can't do anything with how I feel about you. And every stepped I've moved on you hunt them down so that I'll stay there for you. Without consideration you would take my heart, keep it for your own use and shatter them. It's the same cycle going on and I can't keep doing this cycle.

I hope you'll finally understand. I love you like I did, then, now and tomorrow. But when things are not meant to be why do we force it to be? And only God knows the ending to our story but I can't use anymore heartbreaks in this 19years of life I've already lead. And for now I would not want any relationship because you have taken the best of me and thrown it away all over for me to pick the pieces myself.

<3

Why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get! when you let your heart win..

Don't you just hate the feeling of not knowing when things would end? We are being the characters of the storyline but then we have to decide how the story finishes, or does it even finish? The thing is life, it's literally like a never ending book. You'll never know where it takes you. Does the pages flip ever so easily or are they really chapters by chapters. Let's focus on a smaller aspect of life, apparently my favorite, love. When does it really start and how does it really ends or like I mentioned before, does it really ends or do they just linger and remains in our hearts. You can't deny that relationships strong or weak will one day fall draws out it's flaws. And why do we stay in them? Why do we commit to things that we know are uncommitted for? Sometimes i think we follow our hearts too much that we lack on our judgment and decision making skills. I know how people say if you don't experience it, if you keep your heart locked, you'd be missing out all the chance and lessons of a lifetime, yes, true enough. But then, why do we succumb to things that would hurt us?

:S

Britney Mi Amour <3

Britney Spears - Circus, originally uploaded by netmen!.

How Could You Not Love This Woman :)

Not Knowing.

I really should have listened to what mom would say,
Don't ever trust strangers with your heart,
When I got on that ride with you,
The road seemed endless,
There were many paths for me to choose from,
They were neither good or bad,
They were just there for me to walk on it,
And I literally cut through my flesh and open up my heart a little bit more for you,
Even when I knew I shouldn't,
I forced it open,
Just so you could be in it,
Just so I could erase the pain and love you,
My mistake was not trusting strangers,
But not knowing you were now,
A stranger.

Clive Owen.

I personally think that Clive Owen is hot. He has this really confused, sad, stressed and about to explode with rage kind of face that I, in a weird way, find adorable. It's how Nicholas Cage looks too, just that, I do not adore Nicholas Cage in any way. :P I really liked him in Derailed. Although that movie, wasn't well so much of a hit or a wonder, but his acting in there, makes me swoon. So there, Clive Owen :P

Movies Galore.

So, I admit, I'm bored. Besides being cooped up with workload by the 2nd week, I've been filling in on movies, movies that are coming out! And of course, first on my list would be.

TRANSFORMERS : REVENGE OF THE FALLEN.



Oh God, Sexy sexy sexy and marvelously sexy decepticons. Become real and marry me, I'll worship your every shiny piece of scrap. And next we have,

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE



Can't wait for this one because I remembered Ta crying upon someone's death. 0:) Oh and not to forget, one of my favorite games of all times.

PRINCE OF PERSIA, SANDS OF TIME



I CAN'T WAIT PEOPLE! HURRY HURRY!

Drooling over good movies in the making and coming out,
Love,
Nad.
<333

Metalocalypse

Have you ever watch this animated metal rock gods series called Metalocalypse? It's the shit.

So my cousin Rizal passed it to me the other day at my late grandma's during a Tahlil. He told me to not watch it with parents around and all, so at first I was a bit nervous to watch it, just in case it was something really gory. Well, yeah, it is brutal, violent, gory, blood-spattering and spine-tingling. Explicit too, foul language and unimaginable demonic stunts. However, it's animated though, which is not so bad. It's freaking awesome I tell you, I'm laughing my ass off and on watching it. Dethklok for life!

Rocking on,
Mwah,
:@

Can we get away this weekend?

Take me to Broadway.

I am not in college, in my INT1010 lecture, where I'm supposed to be at, right now. It's that period of time where I am freaking mood-less. And for heaven's and love of God and humanity's sake, why do we have to learn about post-world war and how it devastatingly affected the world but developed it 10 times faster? I get it, we learn history to not let history repeat itself. Oh, come on.

I have been lacking on exercise and more to the unhealthy side of life. NOOOOOO NAD, NOO! You need to shed off another 10kilos, you bitch! (Inner-self talking to the person writing this blog) It's not about the lack of time or so busy with work kind of thing, it's about the push to be motivated and driven to do it that's on the edge of falling down. I need my Ain right now, my personal nutritionist / psychiatrist.

Oh you know what's weird but at the same time cool? All this attempt on trying to sweat more and all have decreased my dependancy on the aircond and hence, I'm helping to save the environment! By not releasing CFC gasses into the air and killing the ozone layer! :) I'm so proud of myself, you should be too. *Smiles Widely* Come on people, fight global warming.

I miss learning about Shakespeare. Reading about Shakespeare. Well, not entirely Shakespeare but the 18th Century, Renaissance Era shit. I'm such a sucker for all those "thou" and "thy" and "nay" and "doth" speaking stories, movies, songs, pictures, materials, etc. etc. Old really crisp paper and quills. Their theatres were undoubtfully at it's peak in that century. Fashion of that time was also one of the best. God, I'm so weird. -_-:

Weird weird day and stupid stupid tuesday,
Mwah,
:S

Cameraslutting once more!

About a month ago, I sort of complained that I was not so vain anymore. What I meant by vain, I lack on taking photos, of myself and people, I sort of left my cameras to the dust bunnies and left their batteries in the charger cradles. I was really totally completely and utterly felt no need or no use of the photo gadgets. Up till now.

March just started 10 days and already I've thousands of pictures. Not only of myself, but people, things, buildings, etc. etc. And I really thought maybe I was not into these things anymore this year. I guess I said it too soon. To emphasize on it, my facebook photos has reached to March [6]. I guess because there was ta's birthday and some other parties. But still, this is kind of fast.

And I discovered I have this thing about taking pictures of feet. Now don't you dare say I've a foot fetish, it's not like that! It's just that, I like to caption quotes to my photography you see and I get so many ideas with pictures of shoes, legs, toes, etc. etc. Fascinating. :)

Haven't taken any pictures around Monash though and it's a nice place to camwhore. The view, the majestic long big path and buildings, the lightings, it's so perfect for a shoot. But what shall we shoot? ;)

Mwah,
<33

A list of gratitude.

For the past 19 years and 2months and 29days I've lived, I would like to list my thank yous.

Thank God, for giving me life up till tonight.
Thank God for making everything the way it is, there's always something good out of anything that has happened.
Thank God for making me see, things that I did not before.
Thank God for giving me great people to be around.
Thanks to my family for always being there for my every needs.
Thanks to my family for making me feel always at place.
Thanks to my family for not stopping who I want to be.
Thanks to my family for never leaving me alone.
Thanks to my little sister, Dibah for being a total cool sister, period.
Thanks to those who really consider me their friends, for being my friends, friendship never ends.
Thanks to Ary, Diandra, Nina, Farouk, Ajiq, Ain, Ta, Wel, Sya, Nira and some others, for heping me get through every tearful mornings, every sad moment and every unimaginable pain. I will never have enough thank yous for all of you.
Thanks to Ary and Diandra for being the best music motivation in life.
Thanks to Ta for always being the stronger one between our bond to help me out of shit all the time.
Thanks to Nina and Farouk for being my tribe and that I'll always have you two to relie on.
Thanks to Ajiq, for being the longest petbro.
Thanks to Ary, Diandra and Ain for being the best morning motivations ever.
Thanks to Nab for always being someone I love to hang out with.
Thanks to The Group and Groupies, because you guys are always here.
Thanks to Chem, Naim, Kasyah, Acad and the rest of you guys to be the best laughters in town.
Thanks to Emy for showing me a side of life I did not see then.
Thanks to Nina, Anitt, Elle, Ren, Martin and Azrool for keeping up with me in college/uni.
Thanks to DNNYGWNNK, for staying as sisters, eventhough we're far from being glued again.
Thanks to all the party people for being there to party with me. Good times guys.
Thanks to people like Hadi, Zaed, Raz, Jiar, and Na to be people who I don't see often, but friends that has made impacts in my life.
Thanks to all that has been and will forever be my friend, people who I consider as my friends, people who I care about and love. Thanks for everything.
Thanks to everything I can't possibly mention for making me what I am and how I function.

Thanks.
<3

I'm sure I used to hold your hand, did i hurt you?

Maybe someday you will grow.

The topic for today, shameless ungrateful bastards.

More than often, I feel that people should really adapt to respecting others and be more aware that they do not deserve anyone's kindness towards them. Not even a single touch of warmth or even a fake friendly hello. What's the point of living your life and having temporary feelings of relieve and happiness when it won't last, when at one point, you'll realize that your life has been wasted with meaningless activities and moments. Well, I'm not saying that people should stop having fun, but my definition of wasted means that you are doing things you think are giving you the feelings you need but then not really, at the end of the day. I'm the kind of person who, yes, do very unhealthy and stupid things for a living, but i enjoy it, i live for it, i live up to it, it's what i like to do. But you, you pretend all the way here and there, another copy and paste of yourself. But maybe that's who you are, just pretend passerby for a living.

Maybe you should realize that gratitude or appreciation or respect means more than your shallow mind in life. Maybe you should open up your eyes and understand why people are against you, because you're selfish and selfless. You don't know anything that's meaningful because you choose to be a very imperfect person. You wish to be perfected even though no one's perfect, you are so far behind from such mature thinking. You are bloody ungrateful.

And i'm bloody happy!
:P
Mwah.

Content.

I wished things would have worked out my way,
Things would perhaps be entirely wonderful,
If it worked out my way,
Yet, it's not for me to judge,
Not for me to say,
Not for me to plan,
It was a two way thing,
But still,
My way was better.

I'm so glad that now you look a bit more shittier than you used to,
A bit more clueless and confused,
Guessed you drained all the fun out of your name,
You're not so intact with the world after all,
You're like far distance behind from the life i lead,
And that's good really,
Because I feel so glad,
I'm content.

Therefore you'll never learn.

Parts of you are lost,
In search for something that has a meaning,
And I've schooled you,
I've helped you,
Guided you for you to find meaning,
The meaning is just not me.

I'm proud to be of service,
I'm proud to be the one there,
I'm proud to catch those tears,
Although it was entirely not mine to catch,
It just was not for me,
I was not right.

And in time I know I will heal,
I will be of service again,
But not for you,
Don't find me ever,
Because my job with you is done,
The pain I bear is the last payroll I'd like from you,
You know nothing of gratitude.

Therefore you'll never learn,
How to be a proper man,
Because proper man let their tears down,
But catch it with his own bare hands,
A real man does not hurt another,
They leave with dignity,
Therefore you'll never learn.

Traveling

I feel like traveling somewhere. I can't wait till November to most probably and hopefully go to Europe and England. I miss the cold weather and the nice smoky England air and the frost on the greens. My camera is in need for more nice pictures too. Right sid? My bucuk bucuk D60. Or even if we don't go to England, I want to go somewhere. Somewhere far from here. The start of university life is not so appealing after all, although, Monash's great, lecturer's are fun, food is tremendously nice BUT workload, is hell. So they actually make you feel all nice because they're trying to be nice with the workload they give. I hate 'em!

I feel like traveling to Japan or China. You know, meet people of my sepet eyes. They are my colony *Laugh, lame joke* Or maybe Spain, Madrid, those coastal cities. I want to visit those lonely streets in France or Italy, those small bakeries at the back of their busy Boulevards or Avenues. God, I just feel so artistic right now that I want to fly there at this instance.

Wel's going to Aussie this march, for weeks. :( I would love to follow but the fact that there is Uni all the while, sucks bigtime. If not I could camwhore with her, atleast not in Malaysia right :P Something different. There goes my bestfriend again, away from me. :'( Omfg wel, if you didn't noticed, I've been missing you like crazy and again when you're on hols you're going to Aussie and leaving me lonely and upset all alone in this big wide world. *puppy dog face, i know you have to melt at this scene* (YOU HAVE TO)

Missing traveling,
:'C
Mwah

I'll be dancing, you'll be wishing you still had my love.

Fine, I didn't get to go to Jason Mraz yesterday and I heard they say it was good. What a bummer. Stupid tickets for being so rapidly sold out and silly me for taking too long to buy one. Hey, what's done, is done. Even though the done is crap.

Okay, currently I'm obsessed with Mstrkrft. I mean I know, I've been hearing their songs and all but right now, at this moment as I'm typing, I suddenly feel the sudden urge to download all their songs, their videos and check out all their lyrics. Fuck, I should have went to Zoukout. And on top of that I went through their pictures and like damned, they had these shoes that were the shit I tell you with their name engraved in it. Mstrkrft. Style!

Alright, that's what I'm talking about.
<3 Mstrkrft's temporary addict,
Mwah.

Don't Look Back

don't look away..

My retainers are killing me. Like it's suddenly so painful for some reason and I feel like drowning myself with painkillers. Yet, I'll get through this. No pain, no beauty said Wellie. *Snort snort*

I am so psyched to learn film, I'm not even kidding and I know I met have bore you about how excited and eager I am to learn this subject but it's my blog, whatever people. Yesterday, we had to watch Marie Antoinette during our lecture. The famous 14 year old, Austrian who married the Dophane of France to make peace among the two countries. Made allies, to be specific. Anyway, less about the history, more about the movie. I though Kirsten Dunst was awesome. It was like the 18th century setting with a 21st century plot. Sophia Coppola is definitely artistic. Though the movie lacked factual depth, it was not a second boring. I wholly enjoyed it.

Honestly, it is very much of my interest. Old fashioned movies, romantic plots, affairs and conflicts, old parties, gambling and dancing, 18th century sex, big flouncy dresses and tight ass corsettes, very old english and witty comments about prejudism among different cliques, stature, color, race and nationality. It's just oh so fantastic. I guess it was something similar to Pride and Prejudice, Shakespeare In Love. Two of my favorite movies all time.

I'm so happy right now
:D

If it takes away the pain, it's alright.

dan keyes is the shit.

Anyways, I've come to a point where I realized the phrase, "you'll get less true friends when you grow up" to be true. I've no clue why I'm behaving like this but I'm getting lazy to make new friends and keep them. I'd rather just keep the ones I have. But don't get me wrong, I love meeting new people. Especially when we click darn well. It's just that, the fact of being let down when you are on high hopes has taken it's toll. When you begin to trust and find that person trustworthy, they may just be another ass that will publicly display whatever you told them to the world. Honestly people, what's wrong with you? Have you no sense of being dignified no more? God.

It gets to me, people around me are becoming very much more unfriendly and unreal. I'm not talking about my friends, they're fine with their busy life, if I didn't like them in the first place, they wouldn't even earn a friend title from me. So exclude them out. But I'm talking about in general. Why is everybody becoming the same, nobody's ever genuine anymore, nobody's ever talking to you because they really care about you, your feelings, your life and your time. Why is everybody out there to fish an ulterior motive? Don't we all come from the same earth, somewhat some hometown even. What happened to all the best interest at heart? I understand when people are mean to you, you have every right to be mean back to them, or simply lift up a foot and walk away from such fools that don't deserve your time. But why is it happening to everybody around? Has everybody really gone mean?

:@
Angry Mob,
<333

This is perfectly how I would write about myself, part two.

What others see from your style

You probably have high self-confidence and don't mind what others think of you. However, you can be too materialistic and are never content with what you own.

What your nightclothes reveal

You're a romantic person at heart. You are imaginative but your temper can sometimes get in the way of your happiness.

What others see from your ties

You enjoy being alone. You like to life the simple but good life, and you cherish your freedom. You are thoughtful, confident and uninterested in glamour.

What others see from your belts

You tend to be outspoken and even aggressive. You either love or hate people, ideas and things. You can sometimes find facing the truth difficult and are an extremely confident person.

What others see from your shoes

You are a person who loves simplicity and is sincere and open. You are pleasant to be with, easygoing and always in a good mood. You neither want to control nor be under someone else's control. You don't care much about how you look, and know that it's what's inside someone's heart that's important.

What others see from your earrings

You are a sweet and talkative person. You are sociable, energetic and interesting, and get easily bored by the same old things. You are always looking for adventure.

The last analysis

You are probably a romantic and passionate person. You are sensitive and lonely when you aren't in love. You can be somewhat self-centered, but you are honest and sincere to others. You like to make a good impression of yourself and worry about what others think of you.

This is perfectly how I would write about myself.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

Take this on :

http://www.quizbox.com/

<3

Nadia's Updates.

Well, just started classes in Monash. *Cheers!*
except there's really nothing to shout about except, "bloody hell, assignments".

Other than that, like I wrote before, I've been out pampering myself. I find so suddenly and fortunately wealthy for God knows reason. Allowance, so called book money and travel money and it suddenly seems so pleasant. To be spending money for myself that is and not to be put to waste or for some unworthy petty things or people.

Been wondering how to manage my time though. Timetable's a bitch! I've class intervals like shit. And my driving instructor ain't helping by delaying my Jpj over and over again. No worries, no stress. Things are just fine. Just wished some things could finish up fast. Pfft.

I miss my best friends. Wel's just too busy with her UIA. Nana's too busy with her UIA. Ary's too busy with his Business and KDU. I haven't met Nira in a very very very tremendously long time and I miss her so much. :C Haven't seen ajiq since the party too. And oh, emy emy, rindu. *Sigh*

I've so much notebooks to use for my college, but i've no clue which one to pick. Yes, I'm a notebook freak, sorry baby. *Laugh because it's not funny*

Mwah,
Love,
Nad.

PERGI TENGOK.

PASS THE WORD AROUND, YO.
SUPPORT DIANDRA IF YOU LOVE ME.

LOVE, NAD.
(YES THIS IS NADIA NOT DIANDRA)

Motivation Proclamation

So, it's one of those weeks I feel like reinventing or pamper myself, but it sucks, time is not by my side right now. I've entered Monash, and it's cool, one place i feel fit into right now. Can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't wait to start classes. Campus was the shit, people were nice and lecturers seemed cool. I HOPE SO. Anyways, need to manage my time, manage my money, my weight, grr, and practically my life. Oh, good news, my cousin has invited me to jamm with her and her sessionist. Probabaly record or video tape my songs. Awesome shit man. This friday yo! Wee. Another thing I'm looking forward to. And also, prolly heading to Zouk or anywhere in KL tonight. Heh heh heh. Partay Partay. 0_0

Love,
Nad.

I'm killing them all on my own little mission.

You know how they say as you grow old, the world seems more like a smaller place. Before you know it, you know everybody and everybody knows you and you make the connections as you go on. Well it can be remarkably cool, when you start expanding the connections and decipher what they really mean to you. However, these kind of things has it's cons. At times you just want to run away from people, avoid petty conversations and waving hellos and goodbyes. Or even get away from juicy talks, I would not know why someone would want to get away from that, but still. When the world became a smaller place, who wanted such riot.

Stronger.

You know how bad things happen for a reason? And some things come to an end just at the right moment? I'm actually glad it works that way. Seeing things clearly now, not clouded by fear or by doubts, I've come to realize that I'm always a notch higher. I'm always far more superior and life gets better everytime you learn something. The past, should really stay as the past. Things that has ended should not be rekindled if it ain't the worth. And memories do hurt, but take them as lessons. Your textbooks and notes in your very own guide to life. Good times come and go and we should not expect that it lingers on. Too much of a good thing is always a lie. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in love, but being out of love and solitary moments, makes you a stronger person by the minute. Because you learn about yourself and you become wiser. People who are perpetually insecure and trying to build talents or skills that are not meant to be lose the very good things felt in life. They wait and wait for something that are not themselves, they become another person, they're immature. And it's because they are perpetually concern about things that should not be concerned of, they lose meaning to everything they do. Their lives would then become unworthy and of no purpose.

Regardless, people should always be aware that happiness does not last forever either but if you don't let anyone hurt you, you are living your life well.

love,
Nad.

Distant Voices

Distant voices of regret screams at you,
Hollow sounds of my sighs,
You didn't know how to treat a lover,
And your lover just died,
Unspoken bonds and significant glances,
Come back upon your wasted dreams,
You took your time and lost the chance,
To be in the league you chased once.

She dies tonight,
Crying her lungs out,
She dies tonight,
Trying to reach on to you,
She's holding on to the edge of the air,
The air that you breathe,
So vicious, so vicious,
She dies tonight.

Sail

Somehow the coffee smelled better this morning,
With or without sugar,
Waking up was not as bad as yesterday,
Tears has finally stopped pouring endlessly,
And I felt,
Like I was finally getting used to this routine,
To how I'm supposed to be,
Just around you at least,
Because life's too short to just wait.

I reckon things will sail quite smoothly now,
Though we fear the ripples, tides and the waves,
No matter what we find in the middle of the sea,
As long as we are together,
The anchors are at our command,
And it's our choice to roam free or steer our way out.

I will sail the boat alone.

Hello Blog.

So, I haven't been blogging in awhile. I find the facebook note more interesting. But here I am again, blogger's still the best :) - whatever i write is going into the facebook note anyways.

Let's see, random updates on my life.

I'm going to the dentist tomorrow and then JPJ and then driving lessons and I've no clue what else later on. Prolly tea breaks? The usual for the soon entering Monash kid. ;)

I really want to lose weight. Period.

I still can't get over my awesome 19th Birthday Party, it was all white and oh, people were all over, all over the place. And i spent it with my best friends. And it had good djs supplying good music. Took great photos. I loved it. It was the best birthday party ever!

I got Benefit make up set from Ta, Odie, Diandra, Wel, Syasya, Dya, Haikal, Razim and Malik.
I got Benefit make up from Azim
I got a nice celcom necklace "party time" from Khairul.
I got a Man Utd Jersey from Ary, Nira, Kasyah and Acad.
I got a DKNY watch from Yaz.
I got Laura Mercier make up from Yenny and Jony.
....all for my birthday.

I can't wait for Rihanna, Valentines Party and Sunburst. (I haven't got my sunburst tickets)

I'm currently not positively happy about things in the general picture, but i'm hanging on quite well besides the emotional rollercoaster i go through.

I don't know where my money goes to. I'm always broke, but only because I'm saving up for something else.

I was in England from the 23rd till the 1st Feb. I went shopping like crazy and i came home with loads of new clothes and accesories and shoes and oh well, undergarments too! Mom got mad because the suitcase was hectic.

I miss my bestie, Azahary Azman, haven't seen him a lot.

I still haven't finish reading my Gossip Girls, A-Lists and Cliques.

I take less photos these days that it feels sort of weird because I used to take pictures on a daily basis.

I don't think I'm Single.

I've been feeling dumb for the moment, the fact there's no college and all, makes me very lazy to do anything about my knowledge capacit.

I'm entering Monash the end of this month. Shit so near.

I haven't finish watching my Gossip Girl, 90210, and L word either.

I'm addicted to the song Renee Olstead - A love that will last, Underoath - Some seek revenge, other's escape and Ferry Corsten - Holding On. -It's how I really feel right now. Hopeful, Fearful and Confused.

I wish I have the power of disposing some low lifes that do not know how to disappear from people's lives.

I finally feel like i can't wait to drive. (After 2 years, yes people.)

I feel like I want to clean a few things in this room I can't sleep in XD

I find Dc Comics and Marvel Comics the SHIT.

I bought this black skinnies in London and it seems like it's too loose. Fuck cold climate. I love it.

I'm staying away from being very vulnerable.

I miss my college friends. Anitt, Martin, Azrool, Ren, Elle, Aliza, E'ah and Iman.

My baby Pete, hasn't been recharged. It lacks of love lately. *Hugs Pete*

I lately am obsessed at the fact of replying my text messages refering to the thesaurus for similar words. I would think people find it peculiar but it's my english i'm improving, you can kiss your no good english goodbye. I love being literate.

I think I'm good at expressing my emotions and feelings into words and speech that I need to shut up at moments i should just shut up and leave where things has left.

I haven't done my nails in a VERY VERY long time.

Okay, so i think that's about as money updates on my thoughts, myself and my life so far. I feel like pampering myself tonight, maybe I'll go do some scrubing, washing and moisturizing. This sounds fun. Anyways, it's a long day tmrw, so why not right? Hello body products! I'm coming :)

XOXO,
Truly fattening.

Stars

I felt this way before,
A very long time ago,
It made such an impact,
Suddenly the stars didn't shine,
It was just there to be watched,
By people or other creatures that could bear to look at it,
That could bear the silent screeching noises of emptiness,
The stars were just like me.

If i could capture a shot of the stars,
You would not see them in the pictures,
They hide from the eyes of those who would pity them,
Even a flash of light, could not make them bright,
Could not help to cheer the spaces in between,
They were just too broken to shine,
The stars were like this heart of mine.

And if you see the star at night,
It's as if it's angles and edges we're torn,
It's starting to weep like a withering plant,
With no shine, comes nothing to support it's stature,
No creature bear the sight of the starts with no lights,
It was a pathetic scene,
The stars were like me, indeed.

Capricorn - 22 Jan - PERFECT

You know what you want to do, so turn away from all distractions today and just focus on this one goal. There might be some negative comments here and there from folks who don't like your new agenda, but so what? There is a good chance that these negative naggers are coming from a place of serious jealousy. They don't have the inner strength that you have, and they are just plain old resentful of it. Just listen to those voices in your head that are encouraging you to persevere.

What I Believe.

I've lost the believe,
In me magically making you happy with a smile,
or perhaps my anxious voice on the other line,
just for the sake of trying to provide happiness,
Not for you but myself,
By listening to your voice.

I've lost hope in two words I always hope for,
Always and Forever,
Those two words that I know has very little chance to live,
It'll probably die in a year or two,
or probably it was the fact that you've proved them wrong before,
You, let it die.

I reckon that relationships,
Strong or weak,
Will always fall apart,
One way or the gazillion others,
and it takes only a master of endurance to built,
To last.

Lust is always the best alternative,
The best communication,
Because words hurt more,
They linger longer in our minds,
Our hearts,
It eats up inside till there's nothing more to be eaten,
We turn heartless.

I've lost the touch to compliment your efforts,
Your time and your sweet charming spells,
Your gift in making me melt is still at an ace,
But why does it just feels wrong,
That you shouldn't deserve any of my heart melt,
Atleast not back at your heart,
Your efforts are failures to me,
Pretty hard to win my heart,
Since it lost you once.

My heart is just not fully-fixed.
Period.

I've become the gasoline in the open-fire,
On being jealous,
On becoming sensitive towards you,
Your actions, your words, your every move,
It hurts when you fail,
I want you to win my heart,
Ever so strong and hard,
Like no man could,
Because I believe in you.

I am longed attention deprived,
That it has killed my passion,
and sense of warmth,
towards another.

I left my sweet and kindness,
To the things that are permanent to me,
Myself.

What I believe in you,
are only indescribable movie shots,
That either pass by in deep hopeful dreams,
or my idea of a heaven,
When I'm in Love.

In your show

If you're my superhero,
Can i be your sidekick till the end?
I'll be waiting right beside you,
Fighting crime and be your friend,
It's just you and me in the light,
We'll stay up together day and night,

If you're my superhero,
May i be that damsel in distress?
Hoping that you will show up,
To save me from this mess,
We bond through this one way call,
Save me now, we'll have it all,

I don't want to be your girl,
In the backseat,
I don't want to see you home,
Later tonight,
And I don't want to stand alone,
Waiting for you to be my Superhero,
Because I want to be in your show.

Britney Obsessed.

This may come off pretty freaky but I'm a Britney-addict. Britney-holic. Whatever, whichever.
Sometimes I feel like her songs are made for me (i know it's not) and it suites my situations and mood all the time. I feel so attach to the lyrics, the rhythms and her life. I admire Britney for her willpower and how she can withstand all the crap and bullshit that has been enveloping her. Britney defines XX power. She's like the epitome of a woman's idol. Though the media seems to only be digging Britney's flaw, don't you agree she's still on top and not going down? :)

I love Britney Dot Com. <3

Stereotypes

I hate stereotypes. Different places, different stereotypes. Still, Malaysian Stereotypes, sucks. Yet, nice people exist. Pretty odd.

Sunshine and Hurricanes.

I am currently holding back my affections. Though the love i feel inside of me is very overwhelming, there is a great barrier telling me not to let go myself freely. I feel caught, as if being lured to a spiderweb of up-most happiness. The problem is not the web, but the spider. The spider may seem very small and not of such nuisance to my life. Yet, one venomous bite, stings for a lifetime.

How do you get away from the fear of getting hurt by the same person? Will the paranoia ever ends. I am of no assurance that such a state of limerance I am in may last longer than what I hope for. Then comes the second disaster, hope. Hope is nothing but hopeless in my situation. I can't simply suppressed my hopes and affections to come out as someone so uninterested in a relationship. Actually, I am by far very hopeful and I admit that when hopes turns back on you and fires the canon into your heart, you feel empty. Hope again, seems nothing but hopeless.

It's hard to glue the pieces of my heart back to where it was. Back to how it was. Back to who I was back then. Someone so cheerful, lucky, happy and ambitious. Determined to make her side of the fairytale work the way she wanted. I was an idealist once. Until i got my heart indescribably broken to the tiniest pieces that is far more discrete than particles that pass by our naked eye. How will i ever find all the pieces back again? By the consumption of substances which gives you the feeling of temporary feeling of ecstasy? Lying to myself simply shows that I am indeed in denial of how broken I still am. I've become a realist. There's no such thing as forever ever happy ever after and there's no such thing as love felt by romeo and juliet. These icons and cliches should be banned from young children so they don't grow up to feel how half of us feel right now. Down in the coldest pit enveloped in darkness and sorrows.

Imagine how someone could actually be able to hop from one to two to another lover claiming they do, in fact, love. Possible but a bit strange if you ask me. When do you get the time to heal and find your true self? Do you really think exploring the things you can do, regardless if you take the risk of dying or not, you'll be someone you can call and claim your own? No, idiot. You'd just be another high marketed person in the social world because you seem so eligible but mentally you're just insecure of what you are and what you are going to be in the future. Nonetheless, have fun and don't let the experiences go to waste. I think you are confused. You're only after the best thing that's in front of you and how can you say that I am worth it if you're not even taking the challenge of turning the sparks and the fairytale I like, REAL.

Sometimes I feel it's worth saving and sometimes I feel like just leaving. At 19 years of age, how could I possibly feel that life is going to come to an end? This relationship we've built and left and trying to build again. Is it really worth all the hurricanes and sunshine? I know It's not fair to ask you assurance, to ask you to make the big decision, to ask you to do everything back. But look dude, I don't want to help if you're not willing to try and do something. I don't want to be in something stale. I don't want to be left stagnant in a baron field. I don't want to even have the minute or second to think and become paranoid again. Is that too much to ask for? Keeping every second or hour atleast, of me being sure that this is going to work out. That all of this we talked about, we had little arguments about, we kiss and make up about, etc times two, is worth it. What if I just left you? Is it really true that you'll strive for the emotions i bring then? Or was it all just words with you? And words that you meant then and not to keep now? Words and words and words, the only thing you're really good at. Was it or wasn't it.

A person that should get into the Guiness Book for Sighing the Most.
:|