and the sad song plays on the piano.
How could I possibly be in such a mess with myself? Have I not learn the essence of heartbreak? I'm torn in believing that there's hope when I want to believe that there is non, nada. And the fact whether there is or there isn't remains just vague. Why must it all be a mystery, as if we will never know the end to this imperfect and perishable story. Why can't the book just close now for me to open up another one and why must the ultimate character in that story lingers on. The Antagonist to be exact. Why can't he find another person to excruciatingly hurt, why am I always the one in pain..
Answer me! I'm mad.
I'm so angry at you for playing with what I hold so dearly, my feelings, you ass. Just because you don't know how to take care of them and how to use them for the better don't come near to mine and destroy them in your palms. Don't you dare take control of them again for me to wake up to endless tears in the morning thinking that why must it be so hard to work this out with you and have our happy endings when we die. It's just unfair, that you feel nothing, nothing near to how deep my emotions are entangled with everything about you. You don't know how far and much I would go for you. You don't know how much pain, I've withstand all along and bury them far away at the back of my mind so that I'd give you a chance, a better chance to prove how worthy I am of a person. And tell me for what? Even now, after twice your charm has killed me, for what?
For chances has long gone in the end.
What ever goes on in your head? Why come back now and justify me everything I needed you to say when I love you without boundaries? When I was willing to open back the wounds I sealed for a year just watching you pass by like a distant vague memory that meant nothing when my heart was actually tearing down. What differences can you show me now for me to even feel that you are worth my time? Have you no shame to patheticly crawling back to me every single time you felt empty without me. Admit it, it's the emptiness without my company that you cherish but you'll never love me. It's how you perceive me as someone you cherish in your life but you'll never love anything about me. It's how I was your first everything, right down to your first touch and kiss and hugs. It's those things you consider precious, it's just the situation, the facts and the way it made you feel but you'll never love me. So admit it you just feel heavy at heart to lose me because of those little things, just that. And I'm the one that is supposed to fall down, and get back up, stumble again over every damage you've done and climb back up, alone.
You are a liar. And God save me if I'm wrong, you're deeply and idioticly confused.
What you always have is only your sweet mouth and your set of uncontrollable raging hormones. Nothing more. You don't have a sense of good judgment, you don't even have a set of mind fit enough to live your future. And no offense, your stupidity is all written over your forehead. You might come off nice, you might come off as someone sincere and someone who would be there for anyone at any time of the day. Tell me, how many times in a day do you pretend to be someone else but the real you? But I know you so well. You're not nice, caring, sincere, hardworking or what ever close to being a good person at heart. And well I guess I don't blame you for being such an indecent creature of this earth because you have never found the right path, not with me not with anybody. You think you're a leader? No you're not, you're a follower. You blindly follow anything with the company you have around you. Your mind does not only falters when you are drunk, your mind falters every single day. Everytime you see, breathe, live and sleep. Your mind falters. And when it does, you lose everything, you change your mind like you are hurting no one, as if you are dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. Because I've seen the real you, without your guard or your armor or anything else by your side, I've seen your bare soul and dreams and ambitions. And what you are now, is nothing like what you are deep inside. You as a person, is so beautiful at heart. But just not who you are now.
Do you remember how you close the car door at my fingers?
I felt the change in us, there and then. But i refuse to stop what we were because I love your company. And that was my mistake, letting you hurting me more and more. How many times you disappeared when I needed you? Is that your definition of I'll always be there for you. You can't even keep to your words. How many things have you hid from me. How the hell do you think I felt when we ended things I've to find out that you disappeared with someone else? With someone you assured me was nothing to you but a friend. But all that I have suspected made sense when you i left you. It made sense. So tell me do you understand now how badly every single day after you hurt more and more to find out about all the lies you've said and all the things you did behind my back. I bet it wasn't always your mom, your brother or your family. It was just someone else. I should have trust my instincts and not my heart and not how dearly you seem to my eyes. They are all just innuendos. How you made me weep at my achievement when I stepfoot on the first day of my uni-life because you promised you'd be there. How i couldn't hear, listen, see and do certain things because it'll make me so devastatingly upset thinking about you promised to be there for these things. It's how much of an impression you made to me that was all false.
Tell me honestly. How many times a day do you really see me in every raindrop, every clouds and every light beamed? Now don't get me wrong, I'm just quoting what you said. Justify your motives to me. What's the use of you telling me all these when you're never going to be there for me. It's perpetually going to be a hoax to you. You need me to be there for you because I know I'll listen to you, no matter how painful it is to just be beside you, no matter how hard it is to accept that we are nothing but the company. It's because of who I am, I'm ever so proned to letting you hurt be up and down like a rollercoaster. Even if I've build a guard, a block and a massive amount of armors around myself when I'm with you, everything shatters for you will always own a softspot in my heart. And I know that you know it. And when you do, you're not thankful about it, you use it to your advantage and leave me when you're done with what you need. That's the part that I can't take from you anymore, that's the part where I feel so indescribably devastated. For someone who would say and show me love, you don't know what love is till you have my heart for your own and understand what it is all about.
I'm always just the girl who taught you what love is, and you're ungrateful for it.
Thank you. Is that all that you can muster up considering you're such a strong person in everything. Just a thank you to answer all the damage you have put upon me. Where have all your kindness gone to? Revenge, is that what's on your mind for me? I deserve all your bullshits after the amount of depression you gave me. Is that it? Grow-fucking-up. The amount of what I sacrificed for you, let's not talk about 3 years but in 3 months, was accumulated up for nothing. Everything still ended up in pieces and smaller pieces and smaller pieces of tiny particles that I couldn't even fix. And each particle will always stab through my heart every now and then. And I'm not even talking about how much money I spent, how much time I wasted, how much infuriation was going on at home, etc. etc. It was how much i gave myself to you. Inside and out. And you're always so guilty of it because you couldn't do the same. Right? You think I didn't noticed? Of course I did. But you don't understand, I do it, because I really love you deep inside, I would see the world with you, I wouldn't mind spending every minute of the day with you, I would be there when you call me, I would like to hear your hopes and dreams and I would want to laugh all the pain we put on each other then away.
You don't understand me.
My feelings for you is a bundle of joy that can never be popped away, it will always be vulnerably there. And you don't understand that, to you, I'm a crazy obsessive psycho-path that wants to control you. How do I not blow up when you can falter every day. You can never be decisive on anything and you come back after a month of choke I had to breathe through, trying to justify what me and you are? Have you ever heard the phrase a little too late? I can't keep giving you chances to redeem yourself to me, I can't keep waiting for you to be able to justify yourself, I can't receive anymore hope from you. For god's sake, stop saying you don't give me hope when you can say you see me in every raindrop and clouds. When you say like we're not done and when you say you can see a future with me. Do you really expect me to regard it as nothing? You must be mentally impaired then. As i said before, I'm trying not believe it when I already have fall for it.
I really need to feel what is real.
Don't come back to me just so that you can get back in my goodbooks, don't come back to me just so that you'll never lose my company, don't come back to me if i can't call you mine, don't come back to me if what we have is just a mutual feeling of distress, enveloped in fantasies, when i know you are good at heart deep inside, you haven't found yourself. When you do, tell me what is it that you desire from me at that point. I've wasted 3 years in love with you to have it so broken up in the end, another year to get by and get over you and doing things I never could with you by my side, another 3 months of your company but was never really there, just a false hope that was proven to have not worked out, and to be ringed by a bell saying chances had long gone, how much more time do you really want me to suffer? How much more pain can you inflict on to me without guilt and feelings of remorse? I can't wait for you and bear all these at once. I can't perpetually be confused on what I have to do. I'm torn as it is because of everything you did that I can bear and the things you say now. I can't afford to see me smiling at your presence when I'm in your arms for the gazillionth times it does not mean anything. I can afford to wake up the next day knowing that all the warmth and love I felt last night is nothing the next morning. I can't afford to love you with all my heart to know that soon you would want to be in some other girl's company and not mine, you'll only find me when you know there's nobody else like me that you're comfortable with and would like to keep. I can't see you with someone else now, if you think you are unstable, you're wrong, you're just falling further in deep shit. I'm unstable, i breakdown at the mere memory of you, I get into temporary moments of insanity when I can't do anything with how I feel about you. And every stepped I've moved on you hunt them down so that I'll stay there for you. Without consideration you would take my heart, keep it for your own use and shatter them. It's the same cycle going on and I can't keep doing this cycle.
I hope you'll finally understand. I love you like I did, then, now and tomorrow. But when things are not meant to be why do we force it to be? And only God knows the ending to our story but I can't use anymore heartbreaks in this 19years of life I've already lead. And for now I would not want any relationship because you have taken the best of me and thrown it away all over for me to pick the pieces myself.
<3
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