Being A Muslim

I'll admit, i'm not a very good Muslim. No need to judge. Apart of me is ashamed of it but i just have so little self control and will power to let go the things I'm not supposed to do. I also have very little discipline and consistency when it comes to practicing my prayers and reading the Al-Quran.

I understand that it is never too late to repent. Apart of me feels ashamed to repent. In the sense where people would start taking me differently and all that. In the sense that no matter what you say, there'll be an amount of people who would just make things awkward by saying "Aww, Nad da nak sembahyang, Aww, da alim da dia" and other shit. I know like I'm over thinking this but yeah, those are actually some of the reasons.

Besides that, i love things like nailpolish and revealing clothes. Not that I'd like to reveal all my fat but yeah, dresses and cleavage and legs and arms, i like that. Sometimes, i don't see the point of repenting if I know I'm going to do it again. That's for sure. I mean, for example, in general, if you say you're going to start praying today but you know that you're going to drink at the next party, what's the point? You'll lose 45 days of doing any amal ibadah anyways. That's a gonner.

Especially when you have a boyfriend right, unless your boyfriend is an uptight ustaz or a young upcoming Islamic leader, that's a different story. So, as i was saying, you're bound to kiss, and touch and caress. Don't go like "I only held hands". In the Islamic rules, that's already a sin. Bukan muhrim kowt. Suka hati nk ckp i pegang tgn je, tak kiss kiss sumer. Pordah. So yeah my point is, even a simple thing like that is already a sin. So unless you know you're about to marry that man or woman, then I guess it's fine.

Honestly, in my point of view, your intentions are the most important thing as a Muslim. Or should i say your Niat..nawaitu.. Whatever you wanna call it. It has more credibility than what you say you were, was, about to or doing at that time. If you were staring at some chic's ass or boobs, and gaining self-pleasure down there, you've commit a sin. So you don't have to explain what you were doing, your intentions will give you the blessings or the sins. Dapat Pahala atau Dapat Dosa.

The last time i went to Makkah, I prayed in front of kaabah, i told God, i will try my best to go to his house again and pray again and be a better Muslim, because i know the minute i step into Malaysia, I'm not going to be the person I was in Makkah, never missing any prayers, I'd only be my bad muslim self again. I promised God that I will try though, to be a better Muslim. And it's true, i became the bad muslim i was and i broke the promise because I became a worst Muslim after that. And right now at the age of 18years, 5months, 13days, I am regretting most of the things I've done to make me a bad muslim. SIGHSIGHSIGHSIGH *Heavier Sighs*

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